Behind The Bipolar Blog on PsychCentral: The "Real" Gabe Howard

As 2015 comes to a close, I sit here and reflect on everything that I achieved in the past year. Living with bipolar disorder and anxiety colors how I feel about those achievements, which wrote about earlier this month in a blog called “Bipolar Disorder and Stinking Thinking,” but I am aware that I had a lot of personal and professional success.

And I owe all of it to you. Literally you.

By reading this blog, you are helping me realize my dream of being a bipolar writer and speaker. If you share my writing, “friend” me on Facebook, or leave a comment, then you are super awesome and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it.

As a thank-you for all you have done for me, I wanted to write you a personal note that allows you, my friends, to have a glimpse into the real Gabe, with all the insecurities, depression, and anxiety on full display. Every time I write something, I ask you to trust me and it is only fair that I trust you.

Thank You from Bipolar Writer & Speaker Gabe Howard

Dear You:

Thank you for a great 2015! I’m honestly shocked that you would read a single thing I have written, because I often see it as garbage. See, there are real writers in the world and I’d strongly encourage you to read something they wrote.

I’m not a doctor, celebrity, or even a researcher. We live in a world with amazing people doing amazing things and, while I do try not to compare myself to them, I often do. And I always judge myself as a failure and them as a success.

I’m not the Gabe Howard you see online. I show you the strong, capable, and confident side of my personality. I then season that with some selfies, jokes, and lessons I learned along the way and viola: bipolar advocate, writer, and speaker Gabe Howard, internet version, is born!

The things I’ve been through haunt me. I cry at night at least once a week. I feel, more often than not, like a fraud and a failure. I’m filled with self-doubt, anger, and fear. I want to quit and hide in a cave and never, ever come out.

The urge to give up is so incredible that I’ve gotten used to it. I hate that I accept these feelings as just part of my life. I resent those around me who don’t. Other people’s joy frustrates me so much, not because they have it, but because I don’t. And envy is a terrible quality that never leads anywhere good.

Yet, with all of that inner conflict and turmoil, I’ve managed to find an incredible amount of happiness – actual joy – in your existence. I love that you are in the world because you make me happy. The fact that you exist gives me a purpose and it’s that purpose that lights my darkness.

I’ve given up on getting rid of the darkness that lives inside me. Instead, I am on a quest to find light. Lots and lots of light. You, my friend, are light. And for that, I’ll be forever thankful.

Happy New Year and be well,